There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes
>> the Tickle Me Elmo
>> toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the
>> arms.
>> Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and
>> she reports for her
>> first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
>> The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
>> Personnel Manager's door.
>> The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant
>> about the new employee.
>> He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
>> line is backing up,
>> putting the entire production line behind schedule.
>> The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
>> himself, so the 2 men
>> march down to the factory floor.
>> When they get there the line is so backed up that
>> there are Tickle Me
>> Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really
>> beginning to pile up.
>> At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by
>> mountains of Tickle Me
>> Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge
>> bag of small marbles.
>> The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little
>> piece of fabric, wraps it
>> around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the
>> little package between
>> Elmo's legs.
>> The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
>> After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself
>> together and approaches
>> Lena.
>> "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a
>> straight face, "but I
>> think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
>> yesterday..."
>> "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Monday, October 11, 2010
$20.00
A well-known speaker started off his seminar by
holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked,
"Who would like this $20 bill?"
Hands started going up.
He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you
but first, let me do this.
He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.
He then asked, "Who still wants it?"
Still the hands were up in the air.
Well, he replied, "What if I do this?"
And he dropped it on the ground
and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.
He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.
"Now, who still wants it?"
Still the hands went into the air.
My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson.
No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it
because it did not decrease in value.
It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives,
we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt
by the decisions we make and
the circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless.
But no matter what has happened or
what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased,
you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.
The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know,
but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE.
You are special- Don't EVER forget it."
Count your blessings, not your problems.
"And remember: amateurs built the ark ..
professionals built the Titanic.
If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.
holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked,
"Who would like this $20 bill?"
Hands started going up.
He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you
but first, let me do this.
He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.
He then asked, "Who still wants it?"
Still the hands were up in the air.
Well, he replied, "What if I do this?"
And he dropped it on the ground
and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.
He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.
"Now, who still wants it?"
Still the hands went into the air.
My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson.
No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it
because it did not decrease in value.
It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives,
we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt
by the decisions we make and
the circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless.
But no matter what has happened or
what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased,
you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.
The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know,
but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE.
You are special- Don't EVER forget it."
Count your blessings, not your problems.
"And remember: amateurs built the ark ..
professionals built the Titanic.
If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Pharmacology
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
How to tell the sex of a fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded
"Oh? Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
.Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded
"Oh? Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
.Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."
Saturday, October 9, 2010
A letter to Tide
Dear Tide Company:
>> I am writing
>> to say what an excellent product you have!
>> I've used Tide throughout my married life; my Mom always told
>> me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find
>> it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled
>> some red wineon my new white blouse. My inconsiderate
>> and uncaring husband started to berate me about how
>> clumsy I was. One thing led to another, and somehow I
>> ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I
>> tried to get the stain& out using a bargain detergent,
>> but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to
>> the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide
>> with bleach alternative; and to my surprise and satisfaction,
>> all of the stains came out! In fact, the
>> stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me
that
>> the DNA tests on my blouse were
>> negative, and then my attorney called and said that I would
>> no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance
>> of my husband. What a relief! Going through
>> menopause is bad enough without being a murder
>> suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a
>> great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write
>> a letter to the Hefty bag people.
>> I am writing
>> to say what an excellent product you have!
>> I've used Tide throughout my married life; my Mom always told
>> me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find
>> it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled
>> some red wineon my new white blouse. My inconsiderate
>> and uncaring husband started to berate me about how
>> clumsy I was. One thing led to another, and somehow I
>> ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I
>> tried to get the stain& out using a bargain detergent,
>> but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to
>> the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide
>> with bleach alternative; and to my surprise and satisfaction,
>> all of the stains came out! In fact, the
>> stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me
that
>> the DNA tests on my blouse were
>> negative, and then my attorney called and said that I would
>> no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance
>> of my husband. What a relief! Going through
>> menopause is bad enough without being a murder
>> suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a
>> great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write
>> a letter to the Hefty bag people.
1934 : The Gashouse Gang wins the World Series
On October 9, 1934, the St. Louis Cardinals defeat the Detroit Tigers in the seventh game of the World Series. No one seems to know exactly who was the first to call that year’s Cards the "Gashouse Gang," but everyone agrees that the nickname had to do with the team’s close resemblance to the rowdy, dirt-streaked assemblage of thugs who hung around the Gashouse District on Manhattan’s East Side. In any case, the matchup between St. Louis’ disheveled, brawl-prone Gang and the ace Tigers remains, as legendary sportswriter Grantland Rice predicted it would, "one of the most interesting post-season championships ever played."
In 1919, St. Louis’ general manager Branch Rickey (a teetotalling Methodist who refused to watch his own team play on the Sabbath) decided to build a team on the cheap. Instead of paying $100,000 or more for already-established players, he decided to train them himself, building an elaborate farm system that would send top-notch kids to the big leagues once he’d gotten them good and ready to play there.
By 1934, Rickey’s system had begun to pay off. His team had flashes of brilliance: Pitcher Dizzy Dean, a hillbilly from the Ozarks, won 30 games that year, the last time any pitcher won 30 in a season until Denny McLain won 31 in 1968. Dean’s brother Paul ("Daffy") won 19. (The rest of the team’s pitchers, combined, won 46. As a result, the brothers Dean went on an unsuccessful weeklong strike at the end of the summer to protest their inadequate paychecks.) Rickey’s scrappy, short-tempered bunch of country boys won 20 of their last 25 regular-season games, and they took the league pennant from the Giants--who’d squandered a seven-game lead going into September--at the last minute.
And so it was that Rickey’s Gashouse Gang faced the Tigers in a riveting seven-game Series. Thanks mostly to some remarkably inept play from Detroit’s usually stellar infield, the Cardinals won the first game 8-3. The Tigers took the second in 12 innings. In the third, Daffy Dean made everybody nervous by stranding 13 men on base, but his team triumphed 4-1. In Game 4, Dizzy Dean’s own shortstop beaned him in the head so hard that, according to the papers, the throw bounced 30 feet in the air and 100 feet down the right-field line. Detroit won the game. The Series was tied. The Tigers took the next game and St. Louis the one after that.
In the seventh, at Detroit, the Cards were winning handily. But all the Series’ pent-up tension came pouring out in the sixth inning when the pugnacious Ducky Medwick slid into the Tigers’ third baseman with his spikes up and then kicked him in the crotch, hard. When Medwick took his position in the outfield in the next inning, angry Detroiters pelted him with hot dogs, soda bottles, seat cushions and just about everything else they could find. He left the field three times; each time he returned, the barrage continued. Finally, to calm everyone down and bring the game to an end already, the baseball commissioner himself threw Medwick out of the stadium. The Cards protested, but it didn’t matter anyway: They won the game 11-0, and with it the World Series.
In 1919, St. Louis’ general manager Branch Rickey (a teetotalling Methodist who refused to watch his own team play on the Sabbath) decided to build a team on the cheap. Instead of paying $100,000 or more for already-established players, he decided to train them himself, building an elaborate farm system that would send top-notch kids to the big leagues once he’d gotten them good and ready to play there.
By 1934, Rickey’s system had begun to pay off. His team had flashes of brilliance: Pitcher Dizzy Dean, a hillbilly from the Ozarks, won 30 games that year, the last time any pitcher won 30 in a season until Denny McLain won 31 in 1968. Dean’s brother Paul ("Daffy") won 19. (The rest of the team’s pitchers, combined, won 46. As a result, the brothers Dean went on an unsuccessful weeklong strike at the end of the summer to protest their inadequate paychecks.) Rickey’s scrappy, short-tempered bunch of country boys won 20 of their last 25 regular-season games, and they took the league pennant from the Giants--who’d squandered a seven-game lead going into September--at the last minute.
And so it was that Rickey’s Gashouse Gang faced the Tigers in a riveting seven-game Series. Thanks mostly to some remarkably inept play from Detroit’s usually stellar infield, the Cardinals won the first game 8-3. The Tigers took the second in 12 innings. In the third, Daffy Dean made everybody nervous by stranding 13 men on base, but his team triumphed 4-1. In Game 4, Dizzy Dean’s own shortstop beaned him in the head so hard that, according to the papers, the throw bounced 30 feet in the air and 100 feet down the right-field line. Detroit won the game. The Series was tied. The Tigers took the next game and St. Louis the one after that.
In the seventh, at Detroit, the Cards were winning handily. But all the Series’ pent-up tension came pouring out in the sixth inning when the pugnacious Ducky Medwick slid into the Tigers’ third baseman with his spikes up and then kicked him in the crotch, hard. When Medwick took his position in the outfield in the next inning, angry Detroiters pelted him with hot dogs, soda bottles, seat cushions and just about everything else they could find. He left the field three times; each time he returned, the barrage continued. Finally, to calm everyone down and bring the game to an end already, the baseball commissioner himself threw Medwick out of the stadium. The Cards protested, but it didn’t matter anyway: They won the game 11-0, and with it the World Series.
Scooby dooby doobies
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny
breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your
chest
and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew
terrific
D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a
panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the
little
rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her
eyes
and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of
Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer,
winked
and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock."
breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your
chest
and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew
terrific
D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a
panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the
little
rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her
eyes
and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of
Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer,
winked
and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock."
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