ONE - LINERS

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

Some people are like Slinkies, not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Life's a bitch, 'cause if it was a slut, it'd be easy.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.

Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute?

Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.

Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it shits on your head.

Vegetarian: Native American definition for "lousy hunter".

Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.

Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise!

Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.

Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

Constipated people don't give a crap.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

I don't give a shit, but if I did, you'd be the first person I'd give it to.

A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.

Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

Big cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anybody.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.